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last night/this morning [Nov. 27th, 2005|07:22 am]
[mood |draineddrained]
[music |Wrapped Around Your Finger - The Police]

I've been all over the place tonight. back on meds and already my mind is fucked. one moment a happy thought will float by and I'll grasp onto it, smiling and enjoying life, and in the next moment, I want to cry for no reason. is this what 'normal' women go through once a month? if so, I'm sorry for every shitty thing I've said to you during those times, and that goes for all the women I know.

earlier tonight I remembered something from over a year ago that made me smile, and I was actually in a positive mood for a moment. positive thoughts flowed so fast it was overwhelming. haven't felt anything like that in months.

remember the good times. put the past behind you, where it belongs. focus on you and what you want to achieve.

and there was actually momentum behind those thoughts, and for a few moments I thought, maybe, maybe I can still pull this off. this life, that is.

I just have to figure out how to get that momentum back, and keep it going.

ps - I'm tired of the bullshit...try being honest and straightforward for once.
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history is written by the winners [Nov. 20th, 2005|07:51 am]
[mood |draineddrained]
[music |Everything - Lighthouse]

my brain feels fried. I can't think, can't react, can't make decisions. for the first time in quite a long time, today I seriously thought about leaving this place.

my mind is a mess.

I keep going back and forth on everything important...and I've been in a horrible mood all night so nothing is coming through clearly.

lately it's been two things on my mind, constantly. I'll be sitting around minding my own damn business and something will pop into my head. and if the first thought is good, then I'll actually have a good moment, thinking about how cute she is, how funny she is....how good it is and could possibly be...if I could just let shit go. but no, because in the next moment, my mind goes into overdrive and I start thinking too deeply, too far into the future, too too much.


and then if the first thought is bad....well then, those are the days I stay away from everyone and hide in my apartment because I can't deal with anything but the thoughts in my head.

you know....you're right, go ahead, erase it...but damn, that was the second harshest thing you've ever said to me...maybe the first.

I don't know why I can't just relax and have a good time. everything happens for a reason. everything comes at it's own pace.

my friends think I'm crazy....why can't I just...?

scared, unsure. unwilling to hurt anyone else... or to allow myself to be vulnerable.

you don't know how much I want to be able to be vulnerable again.

blame my past.

and you don't need anybody
but you are the only one who knows this
you deserve it 'cos you're special
maybe jesus wants you for a sunbeam

"alibi" -elvis costello
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why bother... [Nov. 15th, 2005|11:34 am]
[mood |weirdweird]
[music |Nobody's Real - Powerman 5000]

bitches be crazy.
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(no subject) [Nov. 14th, 2005|07:17 am]
[mood |draineddrained]
[music |Never Let You Down - Eagle-Eye Cherry]

eyes too large for comfort
glassy lacquer too bright to gaze into
teeth clenched painfully
against a nearly unstoppable outcry
of words no longer in my vocabulary
because to speak them is to
set into motion a chain of events
that I would not survive
not again

must break this habit
before there is nothing left
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thoughts from 5am [Nov. 10th, 2005|01:53 pm]
[mood |distresseddistressed]
[music |Voodoo - Godsmack]

being nocturnal and alone (because my strongest instinct is to push people away) gives me too much time to think.

I feel trapped, as if in a small box, a cage of my own creation. I'm standing here, in the middle of my life and I can't walk two feet in any direction without running into an immutable brick wall, a chainlink fence, steel bars. in front of me, my fear of commitment. to the left, my fear of rejection. to the right, my fear of failure. behind me, everything in my past that still haunts me. the floor is covered in shards of missed opportunities and the ceiling above me is heavy with my responsibilities.

it feels as if any moment everything will collapse on me and I will be left with nothing but pieces of a life that I once had hope for.
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...and sleeping for the wrong team [Nov. 10th, 2005|01:48 am]
[mood |cynicalcynical]
[music |everything in my head all at once]

how does one deny one's feelings? push things back, down, away, living beneath a thin veneer of empty smiles, bitchy banter, and innocent conversation...I'm trying, but it seems unnatural to me.

ps - ...she smiles without her eyes, and her hands are cold.
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and someone is playing a game in the house that I grew up in... [Nov. 5th, 2005|02:51 am]
[mood |indescribablefuck if I know]
[music |silence]

I don't know why I continue to give into old emotions.

sometimes I worry that I will have this inside me forever, carrying with it the potential to ruin every good thing that comes into my life. I will use it to push people away, to hide within myself, screaming uncertainties and excuses into empty space, the reverberations beating against the walls of my mind until there is nothing left of me or my desires except an empty shell and faded memories of that time in my life when everything seemed perfect.

yesterday I sat, hugging myself and repeating, like a mantra: "what am I doing?" until I felt something within me snap and I stopped, still unsure of what path to take, but knowing/desperately hoping that clarity will come soon.

I just hope I can manage not to fuck anything up until that moment.
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a minor victory [Oct. 28th, 2005|06:44 am]
[mood |goodgood]
[music |All That I've Got - The Used]

so tonight I found out that I'm the new crew leader for the off hours crew. (woohoo) while that doesn't mean more money (yet) it guarantees me a shit load of hours, and I'll have five people under me (heh, dirty) for now and more to come, all there to do my bidding. -maniacal laugh-
which means I can finally run the stocking crew the way I've wanted to for months instead of the ass backwards way that it's been going. it'll just be me and my crew locked in the store all night, so the managers won't be there to screw anything up. I know I seem like an incredible dork, but when I'm actually able to do my job the way that I want to do it, I'm a much happier person.

okay, must sleep now.
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(no subject) [Oct. 26th, 2005|08:18 pm]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[music |All For You - Sister Hazel]

this is going to be a long week. I'm already behind on sleep and I don't think I'll be catching up anytime soon. my body aches, from work, and from my own stubborness.

yesterday, I must have walked fifteen miles. I needed to get some things done, and I was pissed and frustrated, so I walked. all the way up greenville blvd to 10th st., up 5th st. to charles and up charles back to arlington. I was still pissed off when I got home...I'm still a little pissed now. and then I walked to work, and back again this morning. the only good part about the last 24 hours was this morning...having someone to cuddle with when I finally got to sleep.

....I need to figure out what I'm doing. -sigh-
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life sucks [Oct. 23rd, 2005|02:42 pm]
[mood |anxiousanxious]
[music |everything in my head all at once]

I'm so stressed right now. if I stop and think about the situation I'm in, it makes me want to cry. I really don't know what to do. I'm one financial disaster away from just...giving up. because at that point, it would be so much easier than trying to fix my life.

this is such a scary place to be stuck at.
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