|history is written by the winners
||[Nov. 20th, 2005|07:51 am]
|||||Everything - Lighthouse||]|
my brain feels fried. I can't think, can't react, can't make decisions. for the first time in quite a long time, today I seriously thought about leaving this place.
my mind is a mess.
I keep going back and forth on everything important...and I've been in a horrible mood all night so nothing is coming through clearly.
lately it's been two things on my mind, constantly. I'll be sitting around minding my own damn business and something will pop into my head. and if the first thought is good, then I'll actually have a good moment, thinking about how cute she is, how funny she is....how good it is and could possibly be...if I could just let shit go. but no, because in the next moment, my mind goes into overdrive and I start thinking too deeply, too far into the future, too too much.
and then if the first thought is bad....well then, those are the days I stay away from everyone and hide in my apartment because I can't deal with anything but the thoughts in my head.
you know....you're right, go ahead, erase it...but damn, that was the second harshest thing you've ever said to me...maybe the first.
I don't know why I can't just relax and have a good time. everything happens for a reason. everything comes at it's own pace.
my friends think I'm crazy....why can't I just...?
scared, unsure. unwilling to hurt anyone else... or to allow myself to be vulnerable.
you don't know how much I want to be able to be vulnerable again.
blame my past.
and you don't need anybody
but you are the only one who knows this
you deserve it 'cos you're special
maybe jesus wants you for a sunbeam
"alibi" -elvis costello